Sulocana The Guru Business

In Srila Prabhupada's personal letters, he had to address the issue of marriage and a women's relationship to her husband more than he addressed any other single issue save and except to follow the four regulative principles and chant 16 rounds. This is obviously because it is here that the devotees becoming responsible householders, he still had to address the issue constantly. We feel that these voluminous instructions on marriage given in their entirety in our upcoming book, is ample evidence to clear the gross misconceptions on marriage that have plagued ISKCON since the beginning. Prabhupada did not want the women joining his movement to neglect their husbands in preference to himself, even though he was a completely pure devotee. He wanted the women to faithfully and devotedly serve their husbands, and in that way, serve himself. Why Srila Prabhupada initiated women at all is of course a controversial point, but the following letter gives us a clue. The matter is also thoroughly covered in the document entitled: SULOCANA vs. KIRTANANANDA (Appendix 22). Before beginning this section, the reader should keep in mind that there are numerous instructions, both from the books and letters, to back every sentence made herein. In the complete book, there will be footnotes to the Appendix references for all these points. For now please trust that we are not concocting anything.

20. AFFECTION BETWEEN HUSBAND AND WIFE

"Regarding your personal question in the matter of relationship with your husband. Your relationship with your husband is all right. You must be faithful and devoted to your husband, Dayananda. Vedic system advises women to become very chaste and accept the husband as master. Your husband is especially good because he is progressing in Krsna consciousness. I am very glad that you two are very good combination and your devotion for your husband and your husband's love for you are considered great achievements. I feel very happy when I see my spiritual boys and girls, especially those who have been married by my personal presence, are very happy in their conjugal relationship." (Nandarani, 10/8/67)

This mood shows the way Srila Prabhupada felt about his married disciples. In personal letters, he never discouraged affection between man and wife, or said such affection was Maya. Rather he encouraged it in many letters like the one above. Why would Srila Prabhupada consider it a "great achievement" to be attached to one's spouse? Does this sound like the words of a renunciate who is always preaching against family attachment and sense gratification? No. There is no contradiction whatsoever. Srila Prabhupada wanted mature responsible householders to manage his movement. This is clear by the fact that all the original GBC men were married. He knew perfectly well that his disciples were not prepared to accept the celibate order of life, sannyasa, but he was hoping that they could at least come up to the level of being responsible householders. Marriage means responsibility. It is superior to be a responsible householder than a wild-card bachelor in the guise of a sannyasi. He knew that for man and wife to live together peacefully and push on the movement there would have to be some affection between them. Ideally, as stated in many places, the wife should be faithful to her husband out of duty even if affection isn't there. But that is neither likely, or expected, in Westernized women. Therefore Prabhupada encouraged the women to be very attached to their husbands. He never preached some artificial renunciation to his young and usually passionate disciples.

21. THE EARLY MARRIAGES

Prabhupada's handling of his Western disciples was a real "can of worms" to say the least. Let's take a close look what he had to deal with. The vast majority of the men were too immature and/or irresponsible to become proper family men. But they were also too sexually agitated to remain single, which means celibate. And the women, they were too independent and usually "spoiled" to surrender very easily to anyone, much less men with the above qualifications. But single women were coming to the movement in large numbers and there was no possibility of stopping that influx in a "liberated" society. Without being married, all these women were a major disturbance to the single men who were already too sexually inclined. Srila Prabhupada stated in many letters what a tremendous problem this created. He flatly admitted that it was impossible to deal with. For a short time, when the first married couples were living and working together in a semblance of harmony, Srila Prabhupada encouraged them to no end in their preaching efforts. He was very pleased that they were cooperating with each other to spread Krsna consciousness. But later, when many of those first married couples became restless and started to split up, Prabhupada washed his hands of the whole "dirty business." Only then did he start discouraging marriage and started giving important posts to single men.

22. WHY PRABHUPADA GAVE "SANNYASA"

But the problem with the majority of these single men was that they were not free of sex desire and so were actually not qualified for real sannyasa. Almost all of his disciples still had strong material desires. So what was he to do? They couldn't possibly be allowed to have sex, or as Prabhupada would word it, "freely mix," without any responsibility of marriage. That would have meant abortions and contraception, which Prabhupada condemned. He never compromised in that way, thereby encouraging another sex cult like Rajneesh. So, as early letters reveal, Prabhupada tried and tried to inspire his disciples to be good householders. He wrote hundreds of letters like the one above to Nandarani encouraging the couples to become attached to one another and preach. Then, when that failed to keep them together, we see how he made them sign documents promising that they would never separate under any circumstances. But even then they refused to obey. Daily he was getting more and more letters from disciples asking if they could divorce, what they should do with the unwanted children, if they could remarry, and so on.

So he finally refused to take part in any more marriages. But there was still the problem of what all these agitated young men should do. They wouldn't remain responsible householders as he wanted. Although Prabhupada said in one letter in 1970 that he was going to forget the whole mission and go back to India to write books with the help of a few of his more mature disciples, that wouldn't have kept the mission alive in the West. The material desires of these men would have to be satisfied if they were to go on preaching. Simply eating opulently would not suffice indefinitely. But the position of sannyasa could supply the material gratifications of profit, adoration, and distinction, or subtle sex life. None of them were actually fit for sannyasa, as Prabhupada later revealed. Many had been homosexuals, gangsters, drug addicts, etc. Except for the rare soul, sannyasa in Vedic culture is a graduation from mature household life. (And are we more advanced than Vedic culture?) None of these men had actually graduated. So, with these "sannyasis," the very same sex desire the householder vents in physical sex with his wife, the "sannyasi" could enjoy through the benefits of adoration and distinction. At least in that way unwanted children wouldn't be produced and the preaching could go on without this constant disturbance. There were still disturbances created by these neophyte "sannyasis," but compared to the alternatives, it was acceptable for the time being. Such a time-and-circumstance adjustment made by the uttama-adhikari does not become a Vedic law to be imitated by anyone regardless of qualification.

23."PRACTICAL SANNYASIS"

These were not real sannyasis Srila Prabhupada was making but "practical sannyasis," an alternative to their going away altogether. We can admire the perfection of Srila Prabhupada's strategy. Everyone engaged in preaching and distributing books, and the only negative result was that some of his Godbrothers criticized him for giving unfit men sannyasa. To this criticism, Srila Prabhupada would often reply, "My Godbrothers have no brain how to spread Krsna consciousness all over the world," not understanding the adjustments needed for the sake of preaching in the West. Of course, disturbances continued with householders and sannyasis being envious of each other, but all-in-all, Prabhupada's strategy worked miracles in keeping these otherwise difficult-to-engage men busy in spreading the message of Lord Caitanya throughout the world. In numerous letters, Prabhupada said that this sannyasa is not important, that any devotee preaching Krsna consciousness is already better than a sannyasi.

24. A MOVEMENT OF HOUSEHOLDERS

So, considering what Srila Prabhupada had to work with, is it any wonder when he says above: Your mutual affection for each other is a "great achievement." Prabhupada said that he wanted his temples managed by mature householders. Actually the scriptural injunction for this age is not to take sannyasa but to remain home and preach (Cc. Mad, 7.127). That was Lord Caitanya's instructions to Kurma Brahmin. In these Western countries, the idea of real sannyasa, in most cases, is out of the question. Until one is very mature, something that usually comes from living a mature household life, most devotees should not even consider sannyasa before age fifty. In one letter, Prabhupada said, "First prove yourself by being a responsible husband." Therefore, teaming how to be mature householders is of tantamount importance for anyone serious about spiritual life, especially in this age. There is no longer any need for this facade by the so-caned sannyasis. That time is now over. Srila Prabhupada's adjustments 'm this regard got the movement off the ground and got his books printed. He never indicated that sannyasa was a cheap thing. How could we think that Prabhupada wanted a movement of young, passionate, "sannyasis" with hundreds of women hanging on to their sandals? He only gave one man (Kirtanananda) sannyasa before 1970, and that "sannyasi" immediately turned on Prabhupada to steal the movement for himself (full story in Chapter Ten). The next four "sannyasis" were the ones who locked him in his room in LA. That was when Prabhupada said that he was going to retire to book writing and nothing more. They also wanted to take over the movement for themselves. That story is in Chapter Eight. So one should not think that Prabhupada's giving "sannyasa" meant that these men were spiritually advanced. In these early instances, it was generally just the opposite-they were simply advanced in their material ambition.

25. INITIATING WOMEN: WHY?

This brings us to an important point: Why did Srila Prabhupada initiate women if they were meant to be the disciple of their husbands? As stated above, young girls were coming to the movement in large numbers. Prabhupada often stated, "they couldn't be rejected, because they are also coming to Krsna for shelter." Prabhupada had said that all the women had to be married, but at the same time we can see that if he said openly that women were disciples of their husbands, it would create havoc with their Western egos. They would have been so offended by such a proposition that there is no telling what they would have done. And of course they can't be blamed, since the men were not very advanced either. So again-a difficult situation. He stated that he would not discriminate against them by not initiating them and had said they should not remain single and unprotected. Since a man needs full devotion from his wife if he's to be faithful to her, Prabhupada always told the women, both in his books and letters, to fully surrender themselves to their husband and see him as their guru.

26. WHY SO MANY DIVORCES?

But, since they were so independent minded, many refused to accept what Srila Prabhupada was telling them. They would naturally think, "I'm equal to my husband, I have my own guru, I don't need my husband to help me in spiritual life. I'm just as advanced as my husband, or more so. Why should I humbly serve him?" This may have been subconsciously thought by many women, but the 90% divorce rate in ISKCON proves this mentality was there. Naturally, with their wives thinking like this, the husbands had difficulty feeling their spiritual obligation toward them. In Vedic culture that means there is really no marriage at all. Vedic marriage means two halves of the same body with the wife being the dependent hall, but failure to accept this meant one divorce after another. Of course there is the other side of the coin also. Many men don't deserve to be treated as guru by their wives. This is real chicken and egg problem. What came first: The woman wasn't devoted to her husband, and so he wasn't responsible towards her, or the husband wasn't mature and responsible enough towards his wife, and so the wife wasn't devoting herself to him? Ultimately it boils down to this question. Of course, in most marriage breakups, there is a little of both, but there is a way to minimize this syndrome.

27."SEXYASIS" AND "SEXYASINIS"

There is no possibility for a real sannyasi to take charge of a woman. If someone things there is, then he is no sannyasi. For all practical purposes, women need a real live husband. It doesn't mean that they can't have a relationship to a bona fide guru any more than it means they can't have a relationship to Krsna. The spiritual relationship is most definitely there, but without a husband, the chances a woman practically realizing that relationship is next to nil. Therefore Srila Prabhupada never encouraged sannyasinis. Without husbands, their minds would simply be agitated, and there is no possibility of significant spiritual advancement in that condition. So Srila Prabhupada continually urged the women to be chaste Vedic wives. But had he discriminated against women in regard to initiation, they likely would not have tolerated it. So Srila Prabhupada initiated both the men and women. His initiating women, and his giving sannyasa to unqualified men, can be seen as similar time and circumstance adjustments. Men with sex desire are not "sannyasis" and wives not devoted to their husbands, are not wives. They both have only half a body. New names have to be invented for these two groups of Kali-yuga disciples. These are our suggestions. Men who are too immature to get married, but are still full of sex desire and so need a stick to carry around with them so they can be respected, should be called "sexyasis." Women who hate men, and would rather live on welfare, or would rather devote themselves to a sexyasi than their husbands, may be called "sexyasinis."

28. "SEXYASIS" INITIATING "SEXYASINIS?"

Those devotees who are serious about implementing the real Vedic system first of all have to know that one of the most important aspects is to protect the women from exploitation and illicit sex. That means they have to be married. In ISKCON today these sexyasis are claiming to be the guru to so many women but such a proposition is not only meaningless but guarantees the woman's marriage will fail. Srila Prabhupada's initiating women was a very special concession for time and circumstance that no one can imitate. Otherwise why would he say in so many places that the wife must be cent percent devoted to her husband. He says, "The real guru to the wife is the husband." Women can and should devote themselves to Srila Prabhupada's instructions, because he is factually a pure devotee, just as they can devote themselves to Krsna. But if they feel they have a direct link to Prabhupada personally and so therefore don't need the help and protection of a good husband, then they are in illusion. One woman in a thousand is qualified to be a nun just as one man in a thousand is qualified to be a young sannyasi. Women need a real husband to help them make spiritual advancement and men need a real wife to help them make progress also. They don't need a sexyasi or sexyasini. Woman claiming to have a relationship with one of these "ISKCON" sexyasis should know, without a doubt, that such a relationship is nothing but unalloyed illicit sex, which will destroy any possibility of a successful marriage.

29. THE REAL PROBLEM

So having understood and accepted this fact, the next major question by women is "How can I respect my husband who is neither a pure devotee nor even an especially good husband?" This is the real problem we are faced with today. Neither the men nor women are especially qualified for becoming bona fide Vedic husbands and wives. There are many ways to approach this, but before anything else, first the couple has to know what a Krsna conscious marriage is. The following section explains the ideal Vedic marriage. To enter into a marriage without this knowledge is like trying to fly without wings. The first prerequisite for a successful marriage is to know exactly what marriage is all about.

WARNING

We have received mixed reactions to this section. So much so that it is necessary to advise devotees that they may be disturbed by reading this. This is because some devotees do not have good marriages and are not inclined toward committing themselves to an eternal spiritual relationship with their spouse. This unfortunate situation is largely due to our impersonal upbringing here in the West and the contamination introduced by the current "gurus" into the society. We tend to project our mundane concepts and bad relationships onto transcendence and thus we become confused and even repulsed by the idea of an eternal relationship with our spouse. This is due to ignorance and/or impersonalism. Impersonalism is an all-pervasive disease in the West and practically everyone is influenced by it to one degree or another. So if your marriage is on the rocks, and you see little chance of salvaging it, then you may be well advised to skip the next ten titles. But it may also save your marriage. This section is primarily for devotees starting off in marriage or wishing to deepen their marriage relationship.

30. PRELIMINARY CONSIDERATIONS ON MARRIAGE

The intricacies of a Krsna conscious marriage are very complex and at least as difficult to work out in these times and circumstances as the guru problem. In one sense they are very similar since to get a bona fide guru or spouse one has to sincerely pray to Krsna, and simultaneously know who to look for. Because householders form the basis of any society, this issue is vital to the future of ISKCON. Prabhupada has made very clear that without sound householders, there is no question of a society for Krishna consciousness. It will never go beyond a few personalities trying to maintain "nice eating and sleeping in the name of a temple."

So this section is dedicated to helping serious devotees recognize and avoid pitfalls in marriage. A man's relationship with his wife is, as Prabhupada says, "a very complex subject." In India, even today, it is easy to have a lasting, healthy marriage, because that is the custom. It comes naturally, just as reading the newspapers and drinking coffee is second-nature to most Westerners. In precept, marriage is easy to understand. The problem is, we have artificially complicated their lives to the point where even simple principles are difficult to conceive. We have taken advantage of extensive research by modem psychologists on this subject and found it useful in substantiating the eternal principles taught by Srila Prabhupada.

31. CELIBACY IN MARRIAGE

Forexample,manyresearcherstodayarestartingtoappreciatethebenefitsofcelibacy. Without spiritual knowledge however, very few of them have a really clear picture. But, by combining their research with Vedic knowledge, and of course the higher taste of Krsna consciousness, we have a very potent body of knowledge to help us regulate our sex lives, and at the proper time, renounce it altogether. Prabhupada never tried to convince couples to artificially become celibate, but he tried to help them understand the difference between necessary sex and degrading sex. When both husband and wife understand each other and the scripture on these points, they will be able to control themselves much easier. Then, once having gone through marriage in a regulated and mature way, it can be possible to peacefully take sannyasa and not simply create a disturbance in society, as so many of the young ISKCON sexyasis are currently doing.

32. THE ETERNAL RELATIONSHIP

Prabhupada makes two seemingly contradictory statements in this regard, In some places he says that these man-women relationships are temporary like "straws bumping in the waves. They come together for some time and then separate forever." This concept, which is meant to apply to ordinary mundane relationships, is commonly applied by devotees to their relationships. This is due to impersonalism. In every instance where Prabhupada talks of temporary relationships, he is referring to animalistic relationships. In numerous places Prabhupada says the relationships between devotees, including married devotees, is eternal. In at least a dozen places he directly states that husband and wife go back to Godhead together. This means that they can have an eternal, personal relationship together in the spiritual world, if they want to. It is absurd for devotees to think that after striving together in Krsna consciousness for a lifetime, they will say good-by at the end and go their own way eternally. Many devotees actually think this way but that is due only to impersonalism. If someone has this disease in his heart, then he is not going back to the personal spiritual world at the end of this lifetime. A personalist has no objection to taking as many people as possible back to Godhead, including his wife. Exactly what the relationship will be eternally is not important to dwell on while still neophytes. Prabhupada gives hints in his books. As far as details, he says, "These things you will find out when you get there." The eternal relationship does not necessarily have to be the same as it was in the lifetime that they achieved success together. That is the meaning of spiritual and personal. It depends on free will and desire.

33. AGREEING ON THE GOAL

In principle, if the man is sincere and the woman is faithful, then that is the perfect combination for a spiritual relationship. The wife helps her husband get past the youthful years of lust, by satisfying his material needs within the realm of Vedic instruction. In the end, she shares equally in his spiritual realization, whether she personally took part in the spiritual practices or not. If she faithfully and intimately serves her husband, then she gets the same benefit, providing she wants it. If they are not in agreement with each other as to the goal of their lives, then they are not really married-at least not in the Vedic sense. If two people want to go anywhere together, first they have to agree on where they want to go.

34. WHAT TO LOOK FOR IN A SPOUSE

So if a man and woman are one in their desire to love Krsna by executing devotional service, then everything else is given in Prabhupada's books. Unfortunately, sometimes one of the parties is not in harmony with the other about the goal of their lives. Then everything is frustrated. So the critical point is, before getting married, to make absolutely certain of the character and intentions of the proposed spouse. This boils down to knowledge and sincerity. Finding a mate with these two qualifications is essential if one is serious about spiritual life. It doesn't matter how many minor personality problems a mate may have, for they can be overlooked and tolerated. As long as one is sincere and knows the goal of life, and how to achieve it, then those unwanted habits, or anarthas, will disappear in due course of time. Patience is essential. We cannot expect to find a mate that is already perfect. Then once finding a sincere and knowledgeable spouse, what spiritual responsibility must they accept?

35. SPIRITUAL RESPONSIBILITIES

The woman has the difficult task of remaining chaste and submissive to her husband. This is a tremendous austerity since most men are not very mature in their youth. But she must serve him submissively anyway so that later, when he has matured, he is deeply indebted to her for her faithful service. If he is actually sincere, then he must repay her by fully devoting the last years of his life to Krsna (1.15.44). If he becomes pure, she will automatically reap the benefits of his advancement. She may even live the last years of her life not even seeing her husband, but when she leaves her body, she will join him. If he has become pure, and she has been chaste, then she will go back to Godhead immediately upon leaving her body. This is the ideal husband/wife relationship. She is a fit candidate for entering the spiritual kingdom because of her chastity toward her devotee husband. A woman's chastity toward her husband is the same as chastity toward one's guru. It completely purifies the soul. In one sense it's easier for the woman since she can directly see and serve her husband. The man has to surrender in the same way to his guru, but he does so more on the basis of shastric study and faith, since he cannot daily receive instructions from his guru.

Women in Vedic culture would voluntarily enter the funeral pyre so they would not become contaminated in the absence of their husbands. Similarly, Prabhupada says that if one cannot execute the mission of his guru after the guru departs, then he should also decide to die. A woman invests her energy in faithfully serving her husband on his promise that he will repay her by sincerely striving to become pure. If he becomes pure, and she remains chaste, then they both go home together. She does not get paid for her faithfulness until she leaves her body. That is the meaning of faith. He accepts her service on the condition that as soon as he is over the "strong waves of youth," at fifty to sixty years, he will take vanaprastha and then sannyasa. If she's been a good wife, he won't be allured by another woman. This cooperative relationship can be compared to a relay race. She passes the stick to him at fifty and then relaxes while he finishes the race alone. If the wife is resentful of him for her having to do so much running in the beginning of the race, that means she does not understand that he will also have to carry the burden in due course of time.

36. THE REWARD FOR CHASTITY

Then how does he repay her for her faithful service? By "capturing Krsna" and giving Him to her. Krsna is not so cheap that simply by baby-sitting, cooking, and cleaning the house for 30-40 years she can win Krsna. Every woman is doing that whether they are devotees or not. But a devotee woman literally buys Krsna by her chastity and "always pleasing" attitude toward her husband, even if he doesn't deserve it at tunes. Prabhupada says, "Chastity is the first religious principle for a woman." And Chanakya Pandit says, "A woman makes more spiritual advancement by washing the feet of her husband with water, than by performing sacrifices, going to holy places, observing fasts, etc."

It is very difficult to be chaste, humble, and always pleasing when the husband is not yet perfect, but that is the price she must pay for Krsna.

37. HUSBAND'S ROLE ISN'T EASY EITHER

The women shouldn't feel envious that they have to carry the burden initially, for his job certainly is not easy either. When he takes sannyasa, he has to forcibly give up attachment to his good wife, his loving children, delicious meals, the comforts of home, and strictly control all his senses, absorbing his mind day and night in g and preaching about Krsna. That's not easy. The materially covered senses strongly react against that life-style. And there is no possibility of cheating oneself either. Controlling the mind is the most difficult part. During this time the wife is more or less relaxing and being served by her children and grandchildren. She has done her share of the work and now can simply pray that her husband remains sincere. Of course, she must remain pure and simple herself, but compared to her husband's austerities, she is taking a vacation. So granted, it's a tremendous surrender to be a chaste wife. Her job is very difficult during the time of cooperation together, but the husband has the hard job at the end. If he is fully satisfied with his good wife's faithful service, then his gratitude to her becomes a tremendous impetus to repay her by becoming fully Krsna conscious. If the wife is not devoted exclusively to him however, then he may well be attracted to another woman and thus his life is also ruined. So chastity for a woman is the first religious principle.

38. ROMANCE IN THE MARRIAGE

As long as they both agree on this formula and work toward that goal, keeping themselves always sincere and avoiding offenses, then it is not at all difficult to go back to Godhead together. This relationship is very intimate and has nothing whatsoever to do with external so-called romantic/sexual love. Such love may or may not be there, just as over-eating or over-sleeping may or may not be there. If it is there, it must eventually be given up. Therefore Prabhupada warns for devotees not to be overly attracted to one's wife or romantically involved. Chanakya Pandit also warns, "A beautiful wife is an enemy." Romance is not necessary for a spiritual relationship, but it can prevent the husband from ultimately being able to devote himself fully to Krsna. A very deep, spiritual relationship between husband and wife is only possible if sexual love is absent. A book called The New Celibacy goes into this in great detail and is recommended reading for devotees. What to speak of romance, Prabhupada says she must "faithfully serve her husband even if she doesn't like him." Westerners have this perverted idea that marriage is meant for romance, and so, if there is any break in the excitement, inevitable divorce follows. Prabhupada says however, "In the material world, there is no question of love-that marriage is actually a practical necessity, a duty." The wife may be attached to her husband if he is a devotee, but the husband has to be very careful not to be overly attached to his wife, since ultimately, he must become 100% attached to Krsna. That is the formula. Of course this formula varies somewhat according to ones status in life. The same strict rules that apply to the brahmins do not apply to the sudras, but anyone can go back to Godhead eventually, if he is sincere. It may not be in one lifetime, but as long as a couple are sincere, they will advance toward that goal.

39. BE ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN

If you are serious about Krsna consciousness, but need a wife to help get you over the "waves of youth," then you must choose her very carefully. If you select an insincere or incompatible mate, she may disturb you. Or, if you are a sincere woman and need a husband to protect you, give you children, and ultimately take you back to Godhead, then choose him carefully. If he is not sincere, he will simply produce a bunch of kids in you and then leave, but not for sannyasa, for sexyasa. So best to make absolutely sure of your prospective mate's sincerity and compatibility before deciding to marry him/her. There are many ways of doing this, some of which are explained later. Of course, if one is not so serious about going back to Godhead in this very lifetime, that does not mean he/she cannot get married and make some advancement. He/she has to find a mate of the same nature so they can advance together from whatever level they are on.

40. THE CHOICE IS YOURS

So the husband/wife relationship can be eternal or temporary. The choice is entirely up to the individuals. It's not that it has to be one or the other as so many devotees think. If you don't want an eternal relationship, then nobody can force you. You can live together in a cooperative fashion, without making any commitment to each other spiritually. That is possible. That relationship is somewhat impersonal, but it is possible. It is not the highest kind of marriage relationship as described in sastra. One can also bump into a different soul lifetime after lifetime, just like straws touching in the ocean waves. Or a couple can share three or four lifetimes together and then part ways never to meet again. There is no impersonal formula that determines such things. Modern hypnosis regressions have completely confirmed Prabhupada's statements on such husband-wife relationships. Some couples get together lifetime after lifetime. Some only a few lifetimes. It is only logical and common sense that if a couple are very intimately connected with each other, and they become perfected together, then they will also go back to Godhead together. There are many descriptions in the Srimad Bhagavatam of couples living together in the spiritual world, but without mundane sex desire, because they are continually chanting the glories of the Lord. This concept of course gives rise to some very interesting questions regarding spiritual relationships. This section is only meant to give the general idea of the possibilities so devotees can choose, in full knowledge, what kind of marriage they want. If a couple strive together, but don't make it in this lifetime for one reason or another, if they are both sincere, then they will continue together in the next life. Chances are it will be in reversed roles. Then she can play lord and master, and he can play chaste, and surrendered wife. It doesn't matter who plays what role. Ultimately we are all female in the sense that we are all meant to be enjoyed by Krsna. And the price for Krsna is the same for both. Both must give up their puffed-up false egos. She gives it up to her husband, and he gives it up to Krsna. Thus both become perfect. The goal is to go back to Krsna, one way or another.

The question sometimes arises. Does this mean a woman cannot go back to Godhead without the help of a husband? Independent minded women, for the most part, raise this question. The answer is: possible, but not likely. Remember the example of the relay race. There is always the rare soul that can run the entire race by himself and keep up with the other runners, who are sharing the distance with partners. But such a person is rare. Similarly, most women will tend to become very degraded if they are not protected by a man. Prabhupada says that women as a class will be inclined to think about sex, subtle or gross. If a woman is very strong, and becomes a nun, strictly following the regulative principles, then of course she can directly go back to Godhead by her own strength. Most women, however, will not be able to do so, and as such Prabhupada never encouraged women to think this way. He always stressed they be chaste and faithful to their husbands.

HOW DOES A WOMAN "FLY HER OWN PLANE?

This brings us to a very important consideration that at first glance seems to contradict the above. In SB, 1.15.51, the impression is made that the husband abandons his wife when he takes sannyasa and she is then on her own. There the analogy is given that one must be able to fly his own plane without any help. Prabhupada says that help is required while on the ground, but ultimately she must be able to fly her own plane alone. This is a somewhat contradictory point since in many other places, Prabhupada says that the wife follows her husband back to Godhead. In many ways, the husband-wife, and guru-disciple relationship are the same. The guru must have complete submission and faith from the disciple. He instructs the disciple to think of Krsna at the time of death. If the disciple is chaste and obedient, he will do so. Similarly, a devotee husband trains his wife to be chaste and faithful and he also instructs her to think of Krsna at the time of death. There is no difference at all. So just as the disciple must be completely surrendered to guru to be able to follow his instructions perfectly, so also the wife must be completely surrendered to her husband. They both must try to think of Krsna at the time of death. If for some reason they cannot, then the guru or husband will have to help them again. One cannot accept service from a subordinate without becoming indebted. He remains responsible to his surrendered wife right up through her death. In one letter Prabhupada said, "Even after taking sannyasa, the husband does not leave his wife. He must be certain that she is being well protected." The question raised above then is: "At the exact moment of death, is the husband still responsible for his wife, or does his duty end at that moment? Persons who think it ends, are afflicted with impersonalism. The husband is naturally indebted to his good wife, and so he must save her. just as the guru must return again and again to save his sincere disciples, so the husband must save his sincere wife. That is the duty.

In one letter Prabhupada says: "The wife becomes the devotee of her husband, and the husband becomes a devotee of Krsna." If the wife is a devotee of her husband her whole life, then naturally she will think of him at the time of death. That is logic. She may think of him, and then his instructions may remind her of Krsna. Or she may think of him, and go to him wherever he is. If he's with Krsna, then that's where she'll go. If he is liberated, then she is also liberated provided she is fully devoted to him. Chaste women understand these points very easily. The overwhelming majority of instructions from the books and letters indicate that the wife should be cent percent devoted to, and dependent on her husband, and not think she can be independent from him to learn to "fly on her own." This is in fact the only purport where such a concept is mentioned in relation to women. It is illogical to accept a meaning of this purport which contradicts everything else Srila Prabhupada had to say on the husband-wife relationship. Some careful thought must be there on how to interpret this purport. It should not be used as an excuse by women to think they don't need to be faithful to their husbands because they ultimately are on their own. That mentality will breed the kind of prostitution we see in ISKCON today. To illustrate this point, on the first page of Chapter Fourteen in The Nectar of Devotion, Prabhupada says that "performing artificial austerities will make the heart harder and harder." So does that mean we should forget the thousands of other places where Prabhupada says we must follow regulative principles? Hardly. There is a rational way to approach all such seeming contradictions as this. The tendency of most conditioned souls is to make an interpretation that allows the most sense gratification. And that is why Prabhupada very seldom gave such instructions as SB 1. 15.51 which can be misinterpreted by women to reject their husbands. Prabhupada always stressed the spiritual relationship elaborately described above.

So with this spiritual relationship in mind, what is the position of these ISKCON "sexyasis" who are claiming to be the guru of single women as well as other men's wives?

41. SEXYASI INTERFERENCE IN MARRIAGES

The most significant pitfall amongst devotee marriages today is that women are being misled into thinking they need to devote themselves to an ISKCON sexyasi, and not their husband, to go back to Godhead. This is an incredible hoax. Anyone knows that for two people to stay together, even in the mundane sense, they must be devoted to each other. Her husband's guru is automatically her guru, since a proper husband and wife are "two halves of the same body." There isn't the slightest possibility of this kind of intimacy if the were is having an illicit affair going on in her mind with another man. What to speak of intimacy, such a sexyasini wife will drain her husband's energy and give nothing in return. Instead she will give that energy, through her meditation, service, and worship, to her sexyasi "guru," who then thrives and increases his energy. She may even feel some ecstasy while chanting Hare Krsna and meditating on a sexyasi guru, but that is only illicit sex and will destroy her ability to chant purely in the future. Many men are weakened in their marriage relationship due to living with such sexyasinis. This is one of-and possibly the primary reason for-a man's feeling no inspiration from his wife. His enthusiasm is drained. Prabhupada often talks of men increasing their energy by dint of a good wife. Chanakya Pandit says a good wife is the same as the Goddess of Fortune. And conversely, Prabhupada goes so far as to say a man is only "ham a man" if he does not have a good wife."A person who does not have a chaste wife accepted by religious principles always has a bewildered intelligence." (SB, 4.26.17) This is a very important purport in this connection. It makes very clear how the husband is meant to be the only man in Ms wife's life. He may not be a pure devotee, but as long as he is sincere, and devoted to his own guru, he should have his wife's full devotion. If a sexyasi, who doesn't realize any of these truths-or doesn't care about them-tells a woman to leave her husband to devote herself to hilm, then he is automatically guilty of wife stealing and should be severely punished and even executed as explained below.

42. THE PUNISHMENT FOR WIFE STEALERS

"According to Vedic injunctions there are six kinds of aggressors: (1) A poison giver; (2) One who sets fire to the house; (3) One who attacks with deadly weapons; (4) One who plunders riches; (5) One who occupies another's land; and (6) One who kidnaps a wife. Such aggressors are at once to be killed, and no sin is incurred by killing such aggressors. Such killing of aggressors is quite befitting for any ordinary man, but Arjuna was not an ordinary person. He was saintly by character, and therefore he wanted to deal with them in saintliness. This kind of saintliness, however is not for a ksatriya. Although a responsible man in the administration of a state is required to be saintly, he should not be cowardly. (BG, 1.36)

Many sincere devotees of Srila Prabhupada have been aggressed upon in one or more of the manners listed above. Some have had their life savings stolen through very shrewd manipulation or outright embezzlement by sexyasis. This merits the death sentence. Some have donated land only to later be kicked out with nothing. This also merits the death sentence. But by far the most frequent crime committed by the sexyasis is stealing others' wives. By far, all of ISKCON's "gurus" should have been executed many times over by now, and they will in the end have to pay for all the damage they've done.

43. SEXYASIS CANNOT IMITATE PRABHUPADA

There are many women and children now living abominable lives because of these "gurus" interfering in their marriages, either subtly or grossly, directly or indirectly. In some cases the husband or wife may have been at fault, but very often the marriage never had a chance to get off the ground since the wives were told it was their religious duty to devote themselves to this "guru" instead of their husband. That means they were never really wives at all. If the guru were actually a saint following the standard set by Srila Prabhupada, then this problem would not be there. Prabhupada always encouraged the women to devote themselves "cent percent" to their husbands. That is the Vedic process. Prabhupada could initiate women because he is as pure as Krsna Himself. Since Krsna is already in everyone's heart, there is no significant difference with Prabhupada being there also. They are both actually the same person, in purity. They know what is best for the wife and will instruct her as such. That instruction is almost always to "stay with your husband-there is no divorce." But these new "gurus" have displayed their impurity in this connection. There have been blatant falldowns, and there is no need to detail them all. Only foolish devotees have not seen the subtle displays of sex life on the part of ISKCON's "gurus." One example is Bhavananda. He is frequently seen going out at night when he is in New York City wearing fancy clothes and perfume. We think everyone knows by now what he is looking for. Prabhupada was not a fool. He knew perfectly well that these sexyasis were not qualified to imitate him and therefore he gave the following instruction to warn us:

"Although he was a young man (Narada Muni), he could give shelter to a young woman (Hiranyakasipu's wife) and accept her service. Haridasa Thakura also spoke with a young woman, a prostitute, in the dead of night, but the woman could not deviate his mind... Ordinary persons, however, should not imitate such highly elevated devotees. Ordinary persons must strictly observe the rules and regulations by staying aloof from the association of women. No one should imitate Narada Muni or Haridasa Thakura... Narada Muni, Haridasa Thakura and similar acaryas especially empowered to broadcast the glories of the Lord cannot be brought down to the material platform." (SB, 7.7.14)

Here is where real problem lies. These sexyasis have convinced themselves that they are on the level of Haridasa Thakura, Narada Muni and empowered acaryas like Srila Prabhupada. This is proven by the fact that they are taking so much opulent and unauthorized worship in direct imitation of the great acaryas. But when confronted with, "Prove your advancement by your behavior." That they cannot do. Therefore Prabhupada, anticipating this syndrome, warns the sincere devotees as follows:

"It is recommended that one associate with devotees, but there must be some discrimination. Actually, a sadhu, a saintly person, must be saintly in his behavior (sadhavah sad-acarah). Unless one adheres to the standard behavior, one's position as a sadhu, a saintly person, is not complete. Therefore a Vaishnava, a sadhu, must completely adhere to the standard of behavior." (SB, 7.7.31)

44. HOW SEXYASIS RATIONALIZE IT

But ISKCON's gurus have an open policy that behavior is not so important as being appointed "guru." Being appointed does not at all mean being qualified. It almost always means political considerations-power politics. Kirtanananda exposed the official GBC position in this matter in a lecture in Bombay just after Jayatirtha's departure. He said, " In pure devotional service, there is no duality, see, therefore even when they say, 'O, these GBCs, they can make mistakes, that does not matter. Even our mistakes are spiritual. That is a fact. Because why? They are a product of our serving Krsna. Whatever we do in this connection to Krsna, that is spiritual... In the spiritual world also there appears to be mistakes, but there are no mistakes. Thatt is also perfect. There is no duality, there is no good, no bad. But still all these things are existing in perfection."

In other words, he is saying "We 'gurus' can do any abominable thing we like and still be considered saintly, because our inner motive is ultimately to serve Krsna." This philosophy is very common. Prabhupada spoke about it often. In the West these men are called hippies. In India they are called sahajiyas. In essence, sahajiya means "cheap," or, no discipline. The first principle of discipline for a real sannyasi is absolutely no connection with women. The fact is, a sannyasi, unless he is actually on the level of Haridasa Thakura, or Srila Prabhupada, shouldn't even talk to women, look at women, or think of women. That is extremely sinful as Lord Caitanya himself demonstrated by banning Chota Haridasa from His association. ISKCON's sexyasi // gurus" are nothing but pure, unalloyed sahajiyas. In many situations they are acting exactly like pimps.

This next section is just to give a little idea of some of the principles on how to find and keep a spouse. In the complete book, this subject will be fully explained giving thousands of references from all of Prabhupada's teachings and Vedic texts. Since this book may not be complete for up to a year, we are giving some basic ideas here so devotees can avoid some of the more common pitfalls.

45. HOW TO FIND A REAL HUSBAND

So now that we've determined that women are meant to be married, they are meant to devote themselves cent percent" to their sincere devotee husbands, and that they are never meant to think of any other men, especially a sexyasi, the next question is, where is such a devotee husband to be found? Is it even possible to find one in this day and age?

46. KNOWING HOW TO LOOK

Since this section is primarily meant for devotees who have a basic understanding of karma, we are not going to go into detail here to explain these intricacies. The idea is that if one is sincere, then Krsna will send the bona fide guru, and if one is sincere Krsna will send the bona fide spouse. But this does not mean that we don'thavetomakeanyefforttounderstandwhatisthebonafideguru,andwhatisthebonafidespouse."God helps those who help themselves." So the first qualification for getting a bona fide mater is to carefully study the philosophy and have a good idea of what real spiritual life means. There are many bogus men posing as sincere but who have ulterior motives, and you must be able to spot them. There are ways to tell. A history of the persons past is usually a very good indicator. Fools try to say that a person's past does not matter for devotees, but that refers to the devotees who are strictly on the path without deviation. Most devotees are in the neophyte stage. That means they have bad tendencies and qualities that have not gone away yet.

47. SACRIFICE AND PRAYER

So the first prerequisite is to know exactly what qualifications to look for in a spouse, and the second thing is to qualify for Krsna's mercy. That means sacrifice. We have to prove our sincerity by performing sacrifice. The sacrifice for this age is chanting Hare Krsna. In Vedic culture there are other demigods one prays to for a good spouse, but since we are only interested in Krsna, we should pray to Krsna. There is no harm in praying to goddess Katyayani for a good husband to help in achieving Krsna, but generally we should just chant Hare Krsna as attentively as possible. The prayer should be something like this: "My dear Lord, please give me a husband that I can help in his service to You. That way, I can also serve You directly through him, and go back to You in the end. I promise to serve him faithfully and never disturb his mind over petty squabbles that mean nothing. I don't care for my personal happiness since, I know that my serving a good husband is my religious duty, and will award me the perfection of life." For the men, they can pray to this effect, "My dear Lord, please send me a faithful wife so that I can better engage in your loving service. I cannot make it alone, and so need the help of a faithful companion to get me over these youthful years. I promise to engage in your service more and more as the years progress and I come closer to sannyasa. Then I will be able to fully engage in your loving service. In the meantime, I will take very good care of the woman you send me to take charge of, and I promise to never misuse or exploit her in any way. I will do my very best to take us both back home to You after this very life."

48. PREPARING FOR YOUR MATE

These two sacrifices, chanting Hare Krsna attentively, and studying carefully the philosophy, are essential. Then there are other sacrifices that must be performed. If you want a brahmin for a husband, then the woman will have to give up any habits that a brahmin husband will not allow, such as using bad language, eating indiscriminately, getting intoxicated, associating with persons who do the above things, talking frivolously, listening to low class music, etc. She must make an altar and perform daily puja-her future husband will be expecting that of her. She must offer all of her food first. She must be very chaste and not flirt with men. There is no need of thinking that a woman must flirt to meet a perspective husband. When Krsna sees she is sincere in her sacrifices, He will arrange a suitable husband for her. When this happens she will know it from within.

If the woman is not inclined to this strict lifestyle then maybe she is not meant to have a brahmin for a husband. She has to make the decision of how strict she wants to live with her husband and she has to live that strictly herself. If she wants to live a life full of sense gratification, then she should pray for a husband who will also be a sense gratifier, but who wig be able to give it up in time. It all boils down to sincere prayer and sacrifice.

49. REMOVING BAD QUALITIES

If one has bad qualities that are a serious disqualification for getting a good husband then one has to sacrifice some time to remove those habits. There are many ways of changing one's conditioning. If a woman has some bad habits that she wants to purify before meeting a husband, then she can sacrifice some time every morning and evening to praying for help in removing those bad qualities. For example, if a woman has the bad habit of being rebellious toward following instructions, then she can write out a long prayer on all the reasons why she has that terrible quality, and all the good reasons why she should give it up. Every morning and evening she should recite that prayer with full attention. This is a sacrifice. The more sacrifice one performs, the better the chances of getting a good mate. One has to have complete faith that Krsna will send the perfect husband/wife when the time is right. One must be patient. There is never any loss in performing sacrifice.

50. HOW TO RECOGNIZE YOUR ETERNAL COMPANION

A time will come when a man is presented before you. The question wig naturally be, "Is this the man Krsna wants me to marry or is it Maya coming to trick me?" There are different symptoms to look for in making that decision. What were the circumstances of meeting the man? Were they auspicious? Were you chanting Hare Krsna when you first heard his name, or were you having a bad day and your mind was disturbed? First impressions are very important. Who introduced you? Was it a devotee you respect, or was it in the line to a movie. At present we don't know of any astrologers who know the science well enough to trust with such an important decision, so the best way to see if there is compatibility is to perform an in-depth personality test. He should write out all the things he likes to do and not do, and you should to the same. A mature third party can examine them. Do they match well? Are there similar interests? Only if everything seems very auspicious would we recommend that you associate together, and that also depends on your status. If you are a divorcee looking for a second husband, then it is not as dangerous to associate as it would be if you have never been with a man before. In the latter case your father or a close, but mature, devotee friend should carefully try and see if the two personalities are compatible. Many devotees are studying astrology, and some claim that their predictions are accurate for marriage, but again, we have not seen anyone yet with a record that we would trust with such an important decision. We don't even recommend that one consult an astrologer until they are more organized and have a better track record. Srila Prabhupada condemned that method in several letters. The best method is clearly, sincere prayer, lots of study, and careful consideration with the guidance of a mature and knowledgeable householder. You should know the philosophy inside and out. In our book we will have a questionnaire on marriage that every devotee should be able to pass before getting married.

These are just some of the ideas we will go into in great depth in our upcoming book on Vedic marriage. This book is primarily meant to stop these bogus "gurus" from destroying any more marriages and to give the general idea of what a Krsna conscious marriage is all about.

51. ALREADY BEEN BURNED: WHAT TO DO?

This brings us to the last section of this chapter. At this point we know what caused our marriage to fail. In many cases it will be clear that it was the direct interference of a sexyasi or a temple authority who felt it his right to interfere in your marriage. If that is the case, then we recommend the following action: Put your entire story in writing and send it to the address below. There will be many instances where such testimony may be useful in filing lawsuits against these men. Class action lawsuits are being organized against some of the "gurus." Many of them have amassed rather large sums of money from their "guru" business, and if we can successfully prove that they deliberately and maliciously interfered in these marriages, it is very possible tat you may be awarded some money. That will help compensate for the pain you have had to suffer at the hands of these raksasas. In any case you will be exposing them for what they are, and that will help prevent others from being exploited in the same way.

52. CONCLUSION

This is only a rough outline of how to avoid this major pitfall in marriages today. In our book we will explain in detail all the different types of devotees, their varnas (occupational duties) in life, the rules and regulations for that particular vama, and how to practically implement that vama in these Western countries. This requires a great deal of research. The strict rules for a brahmin in India may not be possible for a brahmin in America. Pious vaisyas in India can more easily follow the regulative principles than the brahminically inclined devotees here in the West. All these considerations have to be carefully weighed before it wig be possible to organize real Vedic communities. The important thing is to "fill in the spaces with good taste." Prabhupada expected his disciples to do this work and the time is now. There are many books of reference in Indian libraries with which to gain knowledge from and there are many devotees willing to do this work. We humbly request those of you seriously interested in to contact DAS and we will go from there. Good luck. Hare Krsna.

Inquiries, comments, or donations toward this book, may be sent to Steve Bryant (Sulocana dasa), 2124 Kittredge #32, Berkeley, CA, 94704.